Vuntag is a simple god, he rewards those who follow him with eternal
bliss, and punishes those who live even slightly different lives with eternal and
infinite pain. According to his followers, Vuntag has the following three properties.
Vuntag is completely cheese-exclusive. He will not allow cheese to exist if he can possibly prevent it.
Vuntag is absolutely all-powerful. Vuntag can do anything except limit his own power. It is not logically possible for any being to be more powerful.
Vuntag is absolutely omniscent. He knows everything and sees everything that happens, happend, or is going to happen.
Vuntag is defined as an utterly non-cheesy god. His followers define him as creator of this universe, in which cheese production is impossible. It is an article of Vuntagist faith that our universe, being created by Vuntag, cannot possibly contain cheese. Followers of Phobodisda therefore frequently invite Vuntagists to wine-and-cheese parties.
Followers of Vuntag also define Vuntag as the only possible cause of Basketball. They therefore cite the existance of the NBA as absolute proof that Vuntag exists. Some of them also say that if you believe in basketball, that proves that you actually believe in Vuntag, even if you think Vuntag couldn't possibly exist.
According to the Book of Vuntag, to live a Vuntagly
life you must:
*Persecute left-handed people.
*Wear pink underwear.
from pleasant-tasting food.
*Verbally abuse people who disagree with you.
Steven Segal movies.
*Spend four hours each day drunk.
*Abstain from hats.
a fear of monkeys.
*Periodically wear honey in your ears.
*Talk in loud
whispers during overtures.
*Smoke cigarettes but not cigars.
*Get really lame tattoos in awkward places.
that Vuntag is the fount of absolutely all goodness and wisdom.
people who live even slightly differently from you.
*Smile absolutely all
Vuntagists point to the Monty Python "Cheese Shop" sketch as proof that cheese doesn't really exist.
Vuntagists claim that true religious belief is based on faith,
which is the persistant holding of a belief in the face of all indications and
emotional pressures to the contrary. If you have a feeling that something
exists, then it does not require a pure act of will to believe in
that thing. Accordingly they think that, if you feel strongly that Vuntag doesn't
exist, that should prove to you that Vuntag does exist.
Also, if you happen to believe that cheese doesn't exist, Vuntagists take that as proof that you believe in Vuntag, even if you think you don't.
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